How One Doth Train His Dragon
by alldenspa
Summary: An adaptation of the movie for the stage, in true Shakespearean style.
1. Act I, Scene 1

SCENE 1.

 _The village of Berk._

 _Enter_ Hiccup _on balcony._

 **Hiccup** :

 _(Speaks to audience.)_

This bare and hostile spot of land is Berk.

It lies a fortnight North of hopelessness

And any further up you'd freeze to death.

It firmly sits on misery's twisted arc.

The village from which I originate―

Put in a single word: A sturdy place.

The Vikings have been here for generations

But ev'ry single house we have is new.

And while there aren't many big attractions,

There's Fishing, Hunting, and a lovely view.

The only ever problem are the pests:

While flies and bees are terrible companions

And mice can put your patience to hard tests,

The thing we're dealing with on Berk is―

 _Enter_ Spitlout _below on stage, from left._

 **Spitlout** :

―Dragons!

 _Enter_ Hoark _and_ Burnthair _from right, alarmed._

 _All three exit left, with battle cries._

 **Hiccup:**

 _(Continues to audience.)_

A man in his sane mind would surely leave

But our Viking nature makes us stay.

In fight, there isn't much we can achieve,

And yet these men fight gladly any day.

 _(Descends from balcony onto main stage.)_

My name is Hiccup Haddock― Great, I know.

But trust me, it is really far from bad!

Bad names can ward off gnomes and trolls, and so

There's many names much worse I could have had.

 _Vikings, including_ Spitlout, Hoark, and Burnthair, _begin to pass from one side to the other, preparing for the fight._

 **Hiccup:**

Prepare to meet my lovely Viking tribe!

This one is Hoark the Haggard―

 **Hoark:** ―Get inside!

 **Hiccup:** Burnthair the Broad―

 **Burnthair:** ―What are you doing here?

 **Hiccup** : And Spitlout― Well, the names are rather clear.

 _Enter_ Stoick _._

 **Stoick** :

Hiccup? What jest is this? To me at once!

 _(To Vikings)_ What is he doing out here in the fight?

 _(To Hiccup)_ Your place, young boy, is Gobber's

weapon shop!

Get back inside this very instant!

 **Hiccup** : ―Right!

Exeunt Vikings with battle cries.

 **Hiccup** :

Stoick the Vast! Berk's chief― First warrior, too.

It's said: When he was just an infant boy

He killed a beast as if it were his toy―

Do I believe that tale? I surely do!

Stoick _reappears with_ Spitlout, _catching breath._

 **Stoick** :

Good Spitlout, pray you give me quick report!

 **Spitlout** :

'Tis Gronckles, Nadders, Zipplebacks, and Hoark

Did see a Monstrous Nightmare, I am told!

 **Stoick** : Any Night Furies?―

 **Spitlout** : ―None!―

 **Stoick** : ―Pray stay that so…

 _(Shouting to Vikings offstage.)_

Now hoist the torches, man the gates anon!

Both exit.

 _Enter_ Gobber _on balcony, handing out weapons to Vikings offstage._ Hiccup _ascends to join him._

 **Gobber** :

Ah, Hiccup. Nice of you to join! Methought you had been carried off by one of those beasts!

 **Hiccup** :

What, me? You jest! I'm too big for their taste.

They know not what to do with all of― this!

 _(Points down at himself.)_

 _Below on stage, enter_ Stoick _and_ Vikings, _passing._

 **Stoick** :

We'll move on to the lower half of town

And counter their attack with catapults!

Exeunt Stoick and Vikings.

 **Hiccup** :

 _(Speaking to audience.)_

I'll warrant now you understand the meaning

Of why we have no single seasoned building!

 _Enter_ Youngsters _from right, pulling a large cart filled with water. They start extinguishing the fires._

 **Hiccup** :

And these young lads form our fire defence,

Although 'gainst dragons it's a hopeless task.

'Tis Snotlout, Spitlout's son, the Thorston twins,

Fishlegs, and that young lady there is― Astrid!

 _(Watches in awe as Astrid returns to the cart to refill.)_

Their job is truly worth much more than mine…

Exeunt Youngsters with cart.

 **Hiccup** :

 _(Tries to descend to stage, but is held back by Gobber.)_

Gobber, please! The fight's about to start!

Pray, let me join, I need to make my mark!

 **Gobber** : Oh lad, you have made far enough of those, just all in quite moronic places!

 **Hiccup** :

I beg you, Gobber! If I slay a dragon

My life will hence be infinitely better!

If even Thorston's twins can pull that wagon

Why won't you let your youngsters do't together?

 **Gobber** : Hiccup, you can't lift a hammer, you can't swing an axe. Heck, you can't even throw one of these chains!

 _(Holds up a rope with rocks attached.)_

 **Hiccup** :

'Tis true to say my skill with arms is flimsy―

 _(Heaves up a large crossbow-like device, shows it to Gobber.)_

―But technical device shall throw it for me!

 _(Device backfires, taking out Vikings offstage.)_

 **Gobber** : See, this right here is what I'm talking about.

 **Hiccup** : 'Tis but a slight concern of calibration!

 **Gobber** : Hiccup, if you ever want to get out there and fight dragons, methinks you need to stop with all of― this.

 _(Points down Hiccup's body.)_

 **Hiccup** : But you just pointed well to all of me!

 **Gobber** : That's right, young lad. Just stop with all of you.

 **Hiccup** :

Ohhh, you do tread on a dangerous terrain

To keep this much raw Viking-ness contained!

 _(Points down at himself.)_

There will be consequences!―

 **Gobber** : ―Hand them to me.

At present, your concern should rather be to sharpen all these swords ere sunrise.

Exit Gobber.

 **Hiccup** :

I truly wish someday this fight to join―

On Berk, slaying those beasts is ev'rything!

A Deadly Nadder head perched on my wall

At least would have me noticed by them all.

The Gronckles are robust, though hideous―

Such price would surely spawn admirers…

A Zippleback? Exotic, and exciting―

Their double heads would net me twice the liking!

And then those fearsome dragons that are

Monstrous Nightmare named―

A price that ever no-one but the bravest men

can claim.

Yet still, the ultimate reward― The dragon

none have ever seen:

The one that since these fights began has

Stoick's nightmare been.

I wish one day my price would be

The one they call the―

 _Enter_ Stoick _and_ Vikings _on stage, exhausted._

 **Spitlout** : ―Night Fury!

 _(Explosion nearby.)_

Exeunt Stoick and Vikings on opposite side.

 **Hiccup** :

This dragon― relentless, effective, and vicious―

Never steals, never shows― And it never misses.

No-one has ever killed this kind of beast,

And that's why I dream to accomplish it first.

 _(Takes the device and descends to stage.)_

 _Enter_ Vikings, _passing._

 **Spitlout** : What are you doing, Hiccup?―

 **Hiccup** : ―Nothing, Sir!

 **Hoark** : Get back!―

 **Hiccup** : ―I won't be long!―

 **Hoark** : ―They need you here!

Exeunt.

 _Stage lighting switches to indicate change of location._

 _Enter_ Hiccup _on balcony._

 **Hiccup** :

This meadow plain shall make my shot fly true.

Yet night's so deep, I cannot see a thing!

Wait, over there― I spy a sudden fling

When dragon's wing across the starlight flew…

If now, by chance that tower burst to flame―

Alack, it did! The light shall guide my aim!

 _(Fires the device. Distant shrieking from offstage. Hiccup surprised at first, then runs down to stage, elated.)_

I did it! Yes! Did anybody witness?

 _Enter_ Monstrous Nightmare, _from right._

 **Hiccup** :

I hoped for Stoick, not your ghastly grimace!

 _(Stumbles back to left edge of stage, evading attacks.)_

 _Enter_ Stoick, _from left._

 **Stoick** :

Hiccup? Again at chaos' very centre?

If you survive, I'll swear you taste my wrath!

 _(Fights the dragon. It breathes fire, but Stoick dodges.)_

Your fire's all extinct and empty, Devil!

Flee to that evil place from whence you came!

 _(Hits the dragon on the head with his hammer.)_

Exit Monstrous Nightmare.

 _Silence. Enter_ Gobber, Vikings _and_ Youngsters _._

 **Hiccup** :

 _(Speaking to audience.)_

And there is one more thing you should not miss:

That Stoick, Chief of Berk― my father is.

 _(Awkward pause, Stoick panting. All eye Hiccup angrily.)_

 _(To Vikings.)_ I shot the Night Fury―

 **Stoick** : _(Embarrassed.) ―_ Enough of it!

 **Hiccup** :

But father, 'tis unlike the last attempts!

This night, while all the town was in the thick

I had a shot and took the dragon―

 **Stoick** : ―Silence!

How come that on the moment thou appearst

Disaster is the single thing that follows?

Canst thou not see that I have larger needs?

When winter comes, all Berk I have to feed!

 **Hiccup** :

As son to father, I have to confess:

Mayhaps the men could eat a little less―

 **Stoick** :

 _(Enraged.)_ Tell me, my son: Is this a joke to you?

Why canst thou not obey the simplest order?

 **Hiccup** :

'Tis in my nature, take it as you will:

If I espy a dragon, I must kill!

 _(Pause. Stoick exhausted.)_

 **Stoick** :

My son, 'tis true that thou art many things

But dragonslayer is not one of them.

Return to our home this very instant.

 _(To Gobber.)_ And Gobber, pray keep eye he

does it true.

Vikings and Youngsters begin to exit.

 **Tuffnut** : What a performance!―

 **Ruffnut** : ―Truly, it was flawless!

 **Snotlout** : Aye, never have I seen a man cause such amount of problems.

Exeunt Vikings and Youngsters.

Only Hiccup and Gobber remain.

 **Hiccup** :

I thank you, fellows! Truly, 'twas my effort.

 _(Aside.)_ Though, in my heart I know: I killed the beast!

If only I could make my father see

That finally I succeeded my endeavour…

 _(They ascend to balcony.)_

Pray tell me, Gobber: Why can he not listen

To anything his son hath need to say?

Not even doth he any will display

To open up and see his son's position!

 _(Mimicking Stoick.)_

Excuse me, barmaid, there's been a mistake,

For this is not the kind of son I ordered!

A large and beefy offspring was my wish

And not a talking fishbone such as this!

 **Gobber** : Methinks you have the wrong approach on this. It's not so much what you look like, but what's inside of you that he cannot accept!

 **Hiccup** : …Thank you for this explicit summary.

 _(They reach Stoick's house.)_

 **Gobber** : Young lad, the point is: You should stop trying so hard to be a man that you are clearly not!

 **Hiccup** : My only wish is to be one of you!

Exeunt.


	2. Act I, Scene 2

SCENE 2.

 _The Great Hall._

 _Enter_ Stoick, Gobber _,_ Spitlout, Hoark, _and_ Burnthair _._

 _They sit around a large table, looking at a naval map._

 **Stoick** :

'Tis plain to see that these beasts will not falter!

We either find their nest, and strike it down

Or they will slaughter every mother's son!

That night we had them flee, but at what cost?

And, what is more, now winter comes anon.

By Thor, if we exterminate this nest,

However far we have to sail for it,

This dragon mess might finally be solved!

But one more search we need to undertake

Before the ice cuts off our watry path!

 **Spitlout** :

But Chief, those ships will surely not return!

This time of year, the fog's a deadly trap.

 **Stoick** :

And what of it? Are we not Viking men?

Such risk comes with the work we undertake.

Now, who of you brave men will go with me

To fight and free us from this villainy?

 **Spitlout** : Alack, today's not good for me!

 **Hoark** : ―Me too!

 **Burnthair** : Methinks I've got to do my axe returns.

 **Stoick** :

Aright, you sons of cowards, hear ye this:

Whoever stays behind will keep an eye

On my beloved son, e'en Hiccup!

 **Vikings** : ―Fie!

 **Spitlout** : Then, to the ships, men!

 **Hoark** : ―Aye!

 **Burnthair** : ―We go anon!

Exeunt Vikings except Stoick and Gobber.

 **Stoick** : Good men, that is what I expect of you.

 **Gobber** : I'll pack my things.

 **Stoick** :

―No, wait, friend! Not you too.

Pray you would stay behind and train our men.

Good Spitlout's son, and ever-nimble Astrid,

The Thorston twins, and clumsy Fishlegs, too.

They all have grown, and they should learn to fight.

 **Gobber** : Methinks not all too much of your idea. To leave your son to guard my blacksmith's shop? Molten steel, razor-sharp blades, and lots of time to himself. With Hiccup, what could possibly go wrong?

 _(Short pause, Stoick concerned. Sits down.)_

 **Stoick** :

Oh Gobber, what will e'er I do with him?

The boy possesses not a single skill!

 **Gobber** : Aye, you should let him train with all his peers.

 **Stoick** : It's not a joke, my friend! I'm serious!

 **Gobber** : And so am I! You don't know what the lad can do. He's clever.

 **Stoick** :

The fragile boy would die before you can

Release a single dragon from its cage!

 **Gobber** : You don't know that!

 **Stoick** : ―Alack, I fear I do!

 **Gobber** : You don't.

 **Stoick** : ―I do indeed!

 **Gobber** : ―You don't!

 **Stoick** : ―Enough!

You know my son. You know what he is like.

Since birth he has been somehow― different.

He doesn't seem to hear me when I speak.

His skill to concentrate is ever lacking!

I take him fishing, and he hunts for― trolls!

 **Gobber** : But trolls? They do exist! They steal your socks. But only ever left ones― What's with that?

 **Stoick** : When I was but a boy―

 **Gobber** : ―Oh, here we go…

 **Stoick** :

My father ordered me to strike my head

But bare against a rock ― And so I did!

Methought it had no sense, but never I

Did question what my father asked of me.

And do you know, my friend, what happened then?

 **Gobber** : The stone dealt you a blow.

 **Stoick** : ―It split in two!

It showed me what a Viking's might could do.

That he could mountains crush, and forests raze,

And tame the seas, and fight to guard his home!

E'en as a boy, I always knew my place.

I knew the man that I had to become!

And yet, my son― I fear he's not that boy.

 _(Pause.)_

 **Gobber** : You cannot stop him, Stoick, and you know that. You can only prepare him. Truth is, you won't always be there to protect him. He's going to get out there against, he's probably out there now!

 **Stoick** :

I hear it, as a father― It is true.

Yet I, as father, know not what to do.

Exeunt.


	3. Act I, Scene 3

SCENE 3.

 _The Woods outside Berk._

Toothless _lying at right end of stage, bound by chains._

 _Enter_ Hiccup _on balcony._

 **Hiccup** :

Methinks the Gods must hold some grudge 'gainst me!

But what on Earth could e'er sufficient be

To warrant Gods to deal me suffering

As harsh as what my father's will doth bring?

When I was small― Well, even now I'm small…―

I do remember he'd already call

Me "Viking Hero", even "Dragon King" ―

These names still in my memory do ring,

And with this expectation on me pressed

To be as tough as all the Viking rest,

It's clear to see that I can never be

The man my Viking father sees in me!

Can twigs like these be called a Viking's arm?

Can stalks like these a Viking's legs become?

I cannot fight, much less deal any harm,

Yet Viking deeds always with force are done…

Oh, how I wish there was some kind of way

To make but once me to my father talk

And him to listen, for me to escape

This path on which I'm set, but cannot walk.

Although, as fath'r and son, we oft do speak

The life of Chief's a harsh and tiring task―

And never doth he listen to my need

To stray from that which he doth of me ask!

 _(Descends to stage.)_

If only I could be like nimble Astrid―

When fighting in the ring, she's never bested!

And all the while I stumble round this wood

Because I did an entire dragon lose!

It must have crashed down somewhere here, I know it!

Just the exact location, that I don't.

But wait, from over there I hear a sound―

Methinks that shape's the dragon on the ground!

 _(Notices Toothless.)_

By Odin's Grace! The beast! I did it true!

I did the deed, the one that none could do!

That night, I truly did the dragon hit―

Who needs an Astrid, this clears all of it!

 _(Strikes a pose over the lifeless dragon, but stumbles back in terror when Toothless suddenly moves.)_

Alack! The thing, though bound in chains, lives on!

Oh father, how I sense: My time has come!

 _(Draws out a small dagger and points at Toothless.)_

Aye, I will kill you, beast― Of that be sure!

My life will fully mended be if only this I do:

If I could to my father bring your heart

And have him know that I undid you, then

My miserable life would rip apart!

So hear you this: I am a Viking man!

 _(Moves to stab the dragon, but hesitates.)_

You hear it, dragonfury! I'm a Viking!

 _(Wrestles with his consciousness, finally resigns.)_

I realize now, this deed I cannot do.

I bound you, now I set you free: Adieu!

[Exit Toothless, distrustfully. Hiccup stays back.


	4. Act I, Scene 4

SCENE 4.

 _Stoick's House._

Stoick, _sitting at the fireplace_ _._

 _Enter_ Hiccup _._

 **Stoick** : Hiccup, son, I need to talk to you.

 **Hiccup** : Well met, for I would talk to you as well.

 **Stoick** : There's something that I'd like to have discussed―

 **Hiccup** : This thing has kept me wond'ring for some time―

 _(Speaking simultaneously)_

 **Stoick** : I grant that you be trained―

 **Hiccup** : ―I see now that I cannot―

 **Stoick** : ―to fight the dragons.

 **Hiccup** : ―fight a dragon.

 _(Both surprised and irritated)_

 **Stoick** : You shall speak first.

 **Hiccup** : ―No, father, you begin.

 **Stoick** :

Alright― I came to heed my friend's advice:

I grant your long-held wish for to be trained.

The dragon class, by Gobber firmly reigned,

Stall start tomorrow ere the sun doth rise.

 **Hiccup** :

 _(aside)_ I see now that I should have spoken first!

 _(to Stoick)_ My father, I have been considering

That Viking-ness doth countless warriors bring

But few for craft and such ability,

Therefore I think that I might better be―

 _(Stoick picks up a large axe and hands it to Hiccup.)_

 **Stoick** : You shall need this― my trusted iron axe.

 _(Hiccup stumbles backward.)_

Now take it!

 **Hiccup** : ―Father, I don't want to fight!

 **Stoick** : Of course you do! You are my only son!

 **Hiccup** : Father, let me say again: I cannot kill a dragon.

 **Stoick** :

But yes, you will! When training's past,

E'en you shall hold that skill.

 **Hiccup** : Father, I am very sure that I shall never do it!

 **Stoick** : Quit jesting, Hiccup! Time is up for you!

 **Hiccup** : Can you not hear me?

 **Stoick** : ―This is serious, son!

When you stand tall and grip this iron axe

You carry all of us within your heart.

You walk like us, you talk like us, you think like us!

 _(Pointing down at Hiccup.)_

And I shall have no more of all of this.

 **Hiccup** : But you just pointed well to all of me!

 **Stoick** : We have a deal?

 **Hiccup** : ―Methinks this conference is

Starting to feel one-sided―

 **Stoick** : ―Deal or no?

 **Hiccup** : _(Resigns.)_ It's done.

 **Stoick** : ―Well said! Train hard, I shall be back.

[Exit Stoick.

 **Hiccup** :

And I shall miss you, father― Sail with care!

Oh if he would but listen to my will!

He never even tries, and this affair

Is starting to look grim, and grimmer still.

[Exit Hiccup.


	5. Act I, Scene 5

Scene 5.

 _The Training Grounds._

 _Shields piled up at left side._

 _Enter_ Gobber _and_ Youngsters _._

 **Gobber:**

Lads and Lasses, welcome to our Dragon Training course!

 **Astrid** **:**

From this point on, there is no turning back!

 **Tuffnut** **:**

I hope to have my body harshly burned―

 **Ruffnut** **:**

I would prefer a scar by dragon flack!

 **Astrid** **:**

Aye, vict'ry without scars is poorly earned.

 _Enter_ Hiccup.

 **Hiccup** **:**

 _(Sarcastic.)_

'Tis true, how could you willingly abstain

From something as enjoyable as pain?

 **Astrid** **:**

You taunt us, but your presence is in vain:

This training ground's a warrior's terrain!

Your being is to Berk but a disgrace

And in this sacred hall you have no place!

 **Gobber** **:**

Then let's get started! The young Viking who does best on this course shall earn the right to slay his very first dragon in front of the whole village.

 **Snotlout** **:**

But Hiccup already shot the Night Fury, so can he still participate in this?

 _(General laughter.)_

 **Gobber** **:**

 _(To Hiccup.)_ Do not worry, you are small and weak. That makes you less of a target! The beasts will see you as sick or insane and go for the more Viking-like teens instead.

 _(To Group.)_ Behind these doors is but a portion of the numerous dragons you will learn to fight. This one―

 **Fishlegs** **:**

I know't, I know't! It is the Nadder there!

With knives for claws, and razor pins for hair!

That one is called the Hideous Zippleback―

T'has double heads held by a single neck!

Behind this door, a Monstrous Nightmare waits―

The beast that but our strongest men can face.

 **Snotlout** **:**

But Hiccup has already fought with one, so doth that―

 **Gobber** **:**

 _(Annoyed.)_ Can you shut your banter down?

 _(Short pause.)_

 **Astrid** **:**

We have for dragon training gathered here,

And not for Fishlegs' endless speech to hear.

 **Gobber** **:**

In that case, Astrid, I present to you:

 _(Opens cage door. Loud roar.)_

The Gronckle!

 _Enter_ Gronckle, _from right_.

Gobber _ascends to balcony as_ Youngsters _scatter in panic._

 **Snotlout** **:**

Wait, Gobber! Are you not to teach us first?

 **Gobber** **:**

I do believe in learning on the job!

 _(From balcony while Youngsters evade the dragon's attacks.)_

Today the lesson is about survival. Get blasted and you're out! Think fast, what is the foremost tool you need?

 **Hiccup** **:**

A medic?―

 **Fishlegs** **:**

―An additional five speed?

 **Astrid** **:**

You morons! 'Gainst this beast you need a shield!

 **Gobber** **:**

Correct, Astrid! There's one for each of you.

 _(Youngsters pick up shields. Ruffnut and Tuffnut start fighting.)_

 **Ruffnut** **:**

Get you thine filthy arms off! This is mine!

Takest thou that one, the pattern suits you fine.

 **Tuffnut** **:**

That one hath flowers on't! 'Tis for girls!

As man, I shall have―

 _(Dragon's fire blast hits the shield and knocks both away.)_

 **Gobber** **:**

―Ruffnut, Tuffnut: Out!

 _(Twins ascend to balcony, still fighting.)_

All dragons have a limited count of shots! Tell me, how many doth a Gronckle have?

 **Snotlout** **:**

'Tis five!―

 **Fishlegs** **:**

―'Tis six, you nitwit!―

 **Gobber** **:**

―Six it is!

That's one for each of you.―

 **Fishlegs** **:**

―I truly think

That my dear mother would―

 _(Blast hits Fishlegs' shield and knocks it airborne.)_

 **Gobber** **:**

―Fishlegs, you're done.

 _(Fishlegs ascends hastily.)_

 **Snotlout** **:**

 _(To Astrid.)_ Oh Astrid, I must say your figure is enchanting, and I was thinking if mayhap later today, after I have felled this gargantuan beast, we―

 _(Gronckle blasts Snotlout's shield.)_

 **Gobber** **:**

―Snotlout, your're done as well.

 _(Snotlout ascends, eyes fixed on Astrid. Hiccup and Astrid cower behind the pile of shields.)_

 **Hiccup** **:**

Methinks it best if both of us would run―

Indeed, one would be mad to fight that beast!

 **Astrid** **:**

 _(Laughs audaciously.)_

The both of us? Do not yourself deviece:

In little time there shall be only one.

 _(Astrid dodges a blast. It hits Hiccup's shield and disarms him.)_

 **Gobber** **:**

That's one shot left, and Hiccup, you are―

 _(Gronckle suddenly roars and charges. Gobber storms from balcony and saves Hiccup. Gronckle blasts the wall in irritation. Gobber rattled, but masking it.)_

―And that shall make it six. Return to bed, thou sausage! You shall yet get your chance.

 _(Slams Gronckle's head with fist. Dragon exits with whimper. Short pause. Youngsters gather, exhausted.)_

And you, young lot― Hear and remember well:

A dragon never aims but for the kill.

[Exeunt Gobber and Youngsters. Hiccup in thought.


End file.
